Most tradespeople have tool kits to accomplish their tasks.
Hammers, saws, screwdrivers and the like for construction; wrenches, pliers,
vise grips for plumbing; duct tape for everything else.
Not wanting to be different, we in Grief Recovery also have a tool kit for our
trade. We usually carry them wherever we go. We are also fortunate that most
homes and businesses usually have one element of our tool kits on their
premises, just in case we forget ours or run out.
No, we don't hammer the emotional truth out of people. No, we don't try to
wrench them back into the flow of life. And no, we don't carry duct tape to try
to patch people back together.
One of the major tools in our kit is a box of tissues. Yes facial tissues,
generic or brand name.
You see, when we help people, sometimes their faces leak. Grief usually produces
some pretty strong emotions which are often accompanied by tears. We carry the
tissues to help mop up.
Grieving people often try to hide their feelings. Why? Good question. The answer
isn't simple. In part it’s because our society has inadvertently carried forward
an idea that suggests that we are only allowed to have sad or painful feelings
for a short time following a loss. Even then, that allowance is usually reserved
for deaths or divorces, and doesn't include the 40 other losses that produce
painful emotions.
The net result is that an awful lot of folks are walking around with the
emotional equivalent of an arrow in their hearts. They are hemorrhaging
emotions, often demonstrated by those tears we see all the time. That's why we
need the tissues in our tool kit. But those people are sometimes afraid to let
others see the arrows or their tears. They are afraid they will be judged as
"not being strong," or "breaking down."
If only we could all see those invisible arrows, we might be more compassionate
to those whose hearts are heavy. After all, it's almost impossible to get past
the age of five and not have had some losses. Some losses are major with the
death of a family member or friend, or a divorce within the child's immediate or
extended family. Other losses may seem minor, but will still affect the child.
Children are smart. They cry when they are sad. They sometimes even forget to
use tissues, when a sleeve or the back of their hand can wipe away their tears.
As adults we are equally subjected to the pain of loss, but we aren't always as
open and forthcoming with our emotions and tears as we were when we were young.
But we still get arrows stuck in our hearts and need tools to help remove them.
Fortunately, tissues are not the only tools in our kit. We also employ some
pretty powerful action tools to lead people to recovery from the pain caused by
major losses. The principles and actions of grief recovery are in the emotional
tool belt we carry with us at all times. They are also in our books, The Grief
Recovery Handbook and When Children Grieve.
Since you probably already have tissues in your home, you only need our two
books to complete your emotional tool kit.
By Russell Friedman
John W. James and Russell Friedman are co-founders of The Grief Recovery Institute Educational Foundation, and co-authors of The Grief Recovery Handbook and When Children Grieve, both from HarperCollins. The Institute and thousands of affiliates throughout the United States and Canada offer a variety of programs for grievers. Additional information is available by calling 888-773-2683 or on the web at www.grief.net. To view previous media related articles please go to www.grief.net/Media/MediaIndex.html. Eric Cline is Director of Canadian Operations.