In the immortal opening words of Monty Python’s Flying Circus...

Typically this column addresses issues of emotional content relative to the events in the news. This week we are going to write about something in the news, but not something that would normally provoke you to think about grief and recovery from loss. Then again maybe it will.

For the moment, there are two Cinderellas, but only one Glass Slipper.

The Anaheim Angels and the San Francisco Giants have become the Co-Cinderellas who will complete in the World Series of Baseball beginning this Saturday, to see which team fits the Glass Slipper that adorns the feet of the World Champions.

One team will be very sad when the shoe doesn’t fit.

Both teams are Cinderella in the fact that they are each wild-card playoff teams who edged out their sisty uglers for the right to play in the World Series. The sisty uglers, as in the wicked step-sisters in Cinderella, are the six division champions: The New York Yankees; The Oakland Athletics; The Minnesota Twins; The Atlanta Braves; St. Louis Cardinals and The Arizona Diamondbacks. Of course they all had wonderful seasons and now they and their fans have their own grief about not making it to the "big dance."

We would all naturally recognize that supporters of those teams that did not qualify for the World Series, will have been saddened by the fact their teams were eliminated. Even now, a few days after the final loss, most of the fans have found a way to communicate their sadness and to move on in their lives, with a hearty, "Wait til next year."

Well-intentioned friends may have tried to console them by saying, "Don’t feel bad, at least you won your division." We can pretty much guarantee that that comment will not be well-received, in part, because it advises someone who feels bad not to feel that way - more on this later.

As light-hearted as we’ve been in this article so far, it does bring up a much more serious issue, and that of course relates directly to how we deal with loss in general.

One of our most important teachings is that it is never a good idea to compare losses. All loss is perceived at 100%, there are no half grievers. We often use the old ditty, "I was upset about having no shoes, until I met the man who had no feet," to illustrate the danger of comparing losses. The unfortunate message in the improper use of that cliché is the idea that there can only be one griever - the person with the longest list of losses. The rest of us must be okay, because we have less losses.

But that does not mean that all losses are equal or of equal importance. We would not compare the emotions of disappointed sports fans with the emotions of those who are directly affected by the events that have front page status in the more serious side of life.

It would be obscene to compare the emotions of those whose lives have been decimated by the pernicious sniper who is toying with and destroying life like a cat with an injured bird, to the results of a baseball game. And we make no such comparison.

It would be equally absurd to compare the incalculable grief of the surviving family and friends of the victims of the horrific explosion in Bali, to the results of a baseball game. And we make no such comparison.

Yet there are those who attempt to console the grievers by saying, "Don’t feel bad, your loved one is in a better place," which is a way of comparing the natural sad feelings of the death of loved one to a philosophical idea of a better life in heaven. And, as we mentioned, earlier, it is a way of telling someone who already feels bad, that they should not feel that way.

We are all entitled to 100% of our grief 100% of the time. No one can dictate our feelings or imply that we shouldn’t feel sad when we do. The real lesson is that is never okay to minimize anyone’s grief over any loss.

Russell Friedman and John W. James
Grief Recovery Institute Educational Foundation
Sherman Oaks, CA

John W. James and Russell Friedman head the non-profit Grief Recovery Institute Educational Foundation in Sherman Oaks, CA. The Institute and thousands of affiliates throughout the United States and Canada offer a variety of programs for grievers. Additional information is available by calling 888-773-2683 or on the web at www.grief.net