| A common thread running through
the previous six articles we have written is the mis-information
we were all subjected to about processing the normal emotions
caused by loss. We do not want to create any new loss issues by
blaming our parents in particular or society in general for having
passed on ineffective ideas, skills, and tools for dealing with
loss. All we want to do is help establish that what we have been
using to process our sad, painful or negative feelings hasn't
worked, and that we need to acquire more effective tools for
dealing with loss events.
Much of the incorrect
information we learned and practiced may have convinced us not to
show our REAL feelings at any cost. We were taught to bury any
feelings that dealt with sadness. We were taught: "Laugh and
the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." This
and hundreds of other clichés about dealing with sad feelings
taught us to lie about how we felt. And even the lying was
protected under other mis-information like: "don't burden
others with your feelings."
When we make public appearances
we often ask a large audience this question: "Do you like
being lied to?" Of course no one says yes. Our next question
is: "How many of you have ever said 'I'M FINE' when you were
feeling terrible?" Every single hand in the audience goes up.
Conclusion: Nobody likes being lied to...and everybody lies about
their feelings. If this were a physical illness it would be an
epidemic and the Center for Disease Control would be granted
billions of dollars to find a cure.
Every time we lie to others we
lie to ourselves. Our subconscious mind hears the lie and
continues to bury the feelings generated by the initial event.
Unresolved losses are cumulative, and cumulatively negative. Time
does not heal the pain caused by loss and neither does lying about
our feelings.
It would be impossible to cure
such a massive problem in a single column, but let's try for a
little bit of recovery. Allow yourself to believe that the
subconscious will take actions based on conscious commands. When
we lied and said we were fine we told it that there was no problem
so it need not search out a solution. The net effect is to allow
the cause of the problem to go unattended and re-bury itself. The
next time it attacks we may not be able to recognize the cause or
source of the attack.
A major key to recovery is to
process every feeling in the moment you have it. It does not
require any special skills to tell the truth about what you are
feeling.
For example: "How are
you?" ... "I'm having a tough day, thanks for
asking." Notice that the answer is truthful but does not
invite any help or advice. It also has the capacity of serving
notice that you are not on your game and the other party can
respond accordingly. When you say "I'm fine," but you're
not, you have sent a very confusing message.
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